Oh dear I am in trouble
Dear diary,
Went to a counselor today first thing in the morning... it helps feel good for awhile, and organize my thoughts, but, it's quite low quality, I wouldn't say the advice is good, but not exactly misleading, I don't blame the counselors, it can be difficult.
I went and had this manic song singing session, the lyrics that came out of my mouth man, I'm surprised myself, too bad I wasn't recording and too bad I don't remember either.
So like, yeah, turbulent times now, and it feels like nobody is giving good advice... the closest I have to advice is my dad, because he has real life experience with yapitty yap type bosses.
Then, I went to the library, planning to borrow a book on mindfulness at the workplace... couldn't find my latest student card and the old one don't work no more. So I just left the dude on the counter and never returned after I said I was going to get my student ID...Can't believe I'm in a spot in life where I'm frantically searching for self help books. But I didn't go through with it, by the end of the day, the book don't know what you're going through, so I have to step back and look at the situation, break them down myself. Actually, I went to get counseling books because I think SO needs the counseling more and... yeah, maybe help myself figure somethings out or train my brain to be objective at a field I'm more interested or relate to more.
Then went shopping for stuff.
Wow... everything happened today huh.
Yesterday was holding back tears in the meeting room, they were persuading me to not quit the RSS cuz it's quite a lot of money I won't be getting. They were trying to be nice about it but obviously, maybe it's just me being negative but my supervisor is definitely looking down on me, can almost feel her mind calling me a wuss.
So here's what's happening right now.
My masters degree and the relationship with the supervisor is strained. I really can not for the love of everything good in this world communicate efficiently with her, her instructions are contradictory and sometimes she don't remember what she said, sometimes she does. I keep misunderstanding her and everyone is pointing fingers at me that says I'm the one who can't communicate well. Yes, I certainly don't, SO isn't helping either, says it's my problem, I do feel the way he communicates is similar to hers, they both have an almost chaotic feel, might just be a trait for more emotional people, they are both very very incredibly emotional. I can tell the difference, stark difference, communicate with the counselor and my dad, vs supervisor and SO. Much more emotional talking was involved in the latter. I feel calm and collected after talking to the previous set.
I think I belong with the emotional type, as evident as me crying in my room and ignoring messages from my supervisors. They weren't exactly sympathetic, don't expect them to, they sound more annoyed than anything else, so yeah, this is the real work place scenario I assume, no space for kindness I guess, not sure what was I expecting.
So, what exactly led to this situation? Well, the constant dissin from my supervisor isn't helping. I can't quite focus in the office. That's for sure. I hope I can get out of this type of community as soon as I can, but I am afraid that's how everyone function around here. I don't know, maybe somewhere else out there... I honestly don't know. Just realize I've never really liked anyone that I've known for a long time. What's keeping me from ditching everyone is my attachment issues and the inability to form close bonds easily, that's why I still appreciate people who are willing to hang around, I know I'm not hot stuff.
Now let's talk about something else noteworthy, my supervisor sent a message to the foreign professor, I was actually quite hoping he would reply and agree in collaborating, that would show he is genuinely interested in the work and not just because he was interested in forming a freaking romantic bond with me, but, I guess that's hoping too much.
Went to a counselor today first thing in the morning... it helps feel good for awhile, and organize my thoughts, but, it's quite low quality, I wouldn't say the advice is good, but not exactly misleading, I don't blame the counselors, it can be difficult.
I went and had this manic song singing session, the lyrics that came out of my mouth man, I'm surprised myself, too bad I wasn't recording and too bad I don't remember either.
So like, yeah, turbulent times now, and it feels like nobody is giving good advice... the closest I have to advice is my dad, because he has real life experience with yapitty yap type bosses.
Then, I went to the library, planning to borrow a book on mindfulness at the workplace... couldn't find my latest student card and the old one don't work no more. So I just left the dude on the counter and never returned after I said I was going to get my student ID...Can't believe I'm in a spot in life where I'm frantically searching for self help books. But I didn't go through with it, by the end of the day, the book don't know what you're going through, so I have to step back and look at the situation, break them down myself. Actually, I went to get counseling books because I think SO needs the counseling more and... yeah, maybe help myself figure somethings out or train my brain to be objective at a field I'm more interested or relate to more.
Then went shopping for stuff.
Wow... everything happened today huh.
Yesterday was holding back tears in the meeting room, they were persuading me to not quit the RSS cuz it's quite a lot of money I won't be getting. They were trying to be nice about it but obviously, maybe it's just me being negative but my supervisor is definitely looking down on me, can almost feel her mind calling me a wuss.
So here's what's happening right now.
My masters degree and the relationship with the supervisor is strained. I really can not for the love of everything good in this world communicate efficiently with her, her instructions are contradictory and sometimes she don't remember what she said, sometimes she does. I keep misunderstanding her and everyone is pointing fingers at me that says I'm the one who can't communicate well. Yes, I certainly don't, SO isn't helping either, says it's my problem, I do feel the way he communicates is similar to hers, they both have an almost chaotic feel, might just be a trait for more emotional people, they are both very very incredibly emotional. I can tell the difference, stark difference, communicate with the counselor and my dad, vs supervisor and SO. Much more emotional talking was involved in the latter. I feel calm and collected after talking to the previous set.
I think I belong with the emotional type, as evident as me crying in my room and ignoring messages from my supervisors. They weren't exactly sympathetic, don't expect them to, they sound more annoyed than anything else, so yeah, this is the real work place scenario I assume, no space for kindness I guess, not sure what was I expecting.
So, what exactly led to this situation? Well, the constant dissin from my supervisor isn't helping. I can't quite focus in the office. That's for sure. I hope I can get out of this type of community as soon as I can, but I am afraid that's how everyone function around here. I don't know, maybe somewhere else out there... I honestly don't know. Just realize I've never really liked anyone that I've known for a long time. What's keeping me from ditching everyone is my attachment issues and the inability to form close bonds easily, that's why I still appreciate people who are willing to hang around, I know I'm not hot stuff.
Now let's talk about something else noteworthy, my supervisor sent a message to the foreign professor, I was actually quite hoping he would reply and agree in collaborating, that would show he is genuinely interested in the work and not just because he was interested in forming a freaking romantic bond with me, but, I guess that's hoping too much.
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